Don’t Cry In Your Beer

Dear Life Coach Lynn

In my relationship I am having trouble dealing with my girlfriend when she is stressed.

Our relationship is great, and we really enjoy each other when things are good, but I know that if we can’t work through it when things are tough than we will have difficulty in the long haul. I see couples here and there that have a great relationship no matter what they are going through, and I want that kind of life with someone, a wife who is a best friend too.

If she has stress at work, or stress with her family, or just hormones (I know, as a guy I’m supposed to ignore those!) , I handle it badly. I just don’t know how to handle it better.

When I ask my guy friends they all give me the same advice, that women are hard to understand, and if you can’t fix what’s wrong, you are better to stay away until they are over it. I can tell you that is not helping.

I need a woman’s perspective, but I don’t really have a woman in my life I can talk to like that, so I was hoping as the Life Coach you could help.

It just seems like most of us guys don’t have a clue, why are women so hard to understand?

Confused But Willing to Learn

Dear Willing,

Thank you for your question, and let me assure you, you are not the only person to feel this way!

First of all, let’s remember that ultimately, men and women are very different, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Both men AND women often feel that the opposite sex is an enigma, and devote much time and energy to trying to figure them out!

We also need to keep in mind that everyone, men and women alike, handle stress and conflict differently. However, over the years of working with couples, and from my own personal experience, there are some basic guidelines that I can suggest.

First of all, I can assure you that I have yet to meet a woman who prefers her significant other to “stay away” when she is stressed, unless she is already in a very bad place in that relationship.

This, to most women, comes across as a total cop out on the man’s part.

A woman will begin to think that he only wants her company when she is happy and positive, and this can cause many women to stifle their true emotions with their man.

Ultimately, this will cause emotional and potentially physical issues for the woman, and will not cause the relationship to grow in a positive direction.

If she is stressed or unhappy, her man needs to be a safe place that she can share her emotions. Rest assured, if she can’t share them with you, she will find someone else to do so with. The bonding emotional experience of working through her issue with someone else takes away that opportunity for you to bond with her.

Another big confusion that men have is the feeling that they need to “fix” everything she is dealing with. Years ago I  learned a valuable technique at a marriage  and life coach seminar, and have found that it works very well for couples. It is simply this…

If your woman is dealing with something and she brings it to you, simply ask her if she wants you to just listen, or if she wants your help to fix the problem.

Many men that I have worked with in their relationships have come back to me after using this question in awe of the positive results they got! Men are generally wired to “fix” things, and so trying to solve her issues is a safe place. They feel comfortable and in control.

However, your woman sometimes just needs to talk through the situation and figure out the answer herself. Consider yourself her “sounding board” if you will…an important role for your relationship!

The third big complaint I hear from women over and over is the “what’s wrong” question. To women, it feels like men have a way of asking that question at the worst time, and place, and in a way that often comes across as accusatory and not caring.

Men get very frustrated when they ask a woman “What’s wrong” and she answers “Nothing”. Now, sometimes, nothing is wrong. But generally you men have read the signs correctly.  The answer “Nothing” generally means that they can’t talk it about it where they are, or more often, they don’t truly think you care so they are hesitant to tell you until you work a little harder to demonstrate you really do care and do want to know.

Now, if you don’t care and don’t want to know, but are asking out of obligation, that is a different topic completely! However, if you do care, I have some suggestions.

First of all, if you have developed a pattern in your relationship of making your woman feel like you are not a safe place to come with her issues, she will be defensive when faced with that question. If in the past you have belittled the way she feels, made light of her emotions, made her feel that what she feels is not valid, or even worse, gotten into an argument with her over how she feels, then she is not going to easily and comfortably tell you anything!

I have found that when a man in a relationship puts a little more thought behind that question, it is much more likely to get a response that can create a positive for both partners. The telephone is not ideal, my experience is most woman prefer to be in person when dealing with situations. If you are not in person, but you feel that she is upset, you can try something like this…

“I feel like you are upset, and I want you to know that I am here for you. Is there anything you want to talk about right now, or do you want to get together later just the two of us and relax and talk?”

I can only imagine the eye rolling from the men right now, and the “Yah right” coming from the women, thinking that a man would never say that. Let me assure you, there are many men who are willing to learn how to talk to their woman, and many men who have used that phrase and returned back to their next session with me ecstatic at the results!

The bottom line is that the woman in your life needs to feel safe in telling you anything, needs to feel that you truly care, and needs to feel that when she does open up to you that you are willing to meet her at her own needs and not your own. (listening versus fixing)

Even if the trouble is hormone related, if she trusts you to not make fun of it or make her feel bad about a natural function, she will talk openly to you!

If you begin to put these suggestions into practice, I’m confident after a time you will be pleased with the results. If you are still having a challenge after you have consistently used these techniques, please let me know…I have lots more advice on this topic!

And for all you fabulous Drink Guy fans, please let us know what you think, and what has worked for you!

Cheers, Life Coach Lynn

PS. A couple fantastic books to help this are “His Needs, Her Needs” and “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” , I highly recommend them both!

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Dear Life Coach Lynn,

Suicide, and this article on it, was in the news recently, and has raised a lot of conversations in our social group of parents. What do you think?

“An 8 year-old-boy in Texas tried to commit suicide after his teacher did nothing about the bad bullying he faced every day. The school’s response: have him sign a ‘no suicide’ agreement. Apparently this is standard procedure in this particular school district. Any student who tries to harm him/herself has to sign it. This kid, however, is in second-grade and is dyslexic. Would you ask your child to sign a no-suicide pact?”

Confused Parents

Dear Parents,

Creating  “pacts” and “contracts” with our children is not a new parenting technique and can be a very effective one.

My concern with this pact in general is putting something into their minds that may not be there at all, and perhaps bringing to mind a thought process of  “Do they think I’m going to harm myself?” , and “Why, do they know something I don’t?”

Obviously in this school board, the pact is only brought into play if the child has already attempted to harm themselves, so they have already had the thoughts in their minds. How well this particular young boy understands the reality of suicide is debatable however, so I’m not sure how much value the pact could hold.

Also in this situation, dealing with the primary cause of the problem, the bullying and the teacher ignoring it, is apparently being ignored. Bullying is a huge contributing factor to youth suicide, and needs to be taken very seriously.

So, having a child sign a “no suicide agreement” just as a matter of course is not the route I personally would take. Using a pact as a crisis tool if my child were at risk, that I would consider.

I also have no issue talking to my children about it, and in fact have dealt with two suicide situations recently.

Neither person was known by my children personally, but was connected to our family in other ways, so it opened a door of conversation.

The conversation focused on why people feel that suicide is an option, how it impacts people they leave behind, coping strategies when you are feeling overwhelmed, etc.

I have spoken to some parents who feel a “no suicide” pact is the same as  a “celibacy before marriage” vow, or a “no drunk driving” contract with their children, but I feel these are different.

Suicide is a generally a solitary situation, it is highly unusual for people to be pressured into it.

The pressures of sexual situations and alcohol related situations for teens is a peer issue as well as a personal issue, and for some teens the simple act of creating a “pact” with their parents provides them with a coping tool and gives them the “out” they want in a peer pressure situation.

I hope this helps, and as always I appreciate the questions from the awesome Drink Guy fans! We would love to hear your thoughts, so please comment below!

Lynn

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Kids, Activities, and Parental Stress!

Advice needed from the Life Coach! Stressed and looking for relationship advice, dealing with power struggles and kids activities, a tough question from a great Drink Guy fan!

Dear Life Coach,

I have recently found myself frustrated dealing with a situation that I don’t know how to handle. 

I am a parent who bends over backwards for my young children. They are great kids, and very appreciative of all I do.

Yet I find myself dealing with a group of people that are involved with an extra curricular activity of my children that are driving me crazy.

The people running this activity are pushy and aggressive, and they do not, in my opinion, do a good job of running things.

When a group of parents attempted to deal with this in a mature and positive manner, we were berated and shot down.

It has become a huge negative for me, but my children love it. It is a year round activity, and one that is not readily available outside the place they are already involved in, so to move them within the activity we would have to go to another city at an increased cost.

When something is such a negative for me, but my children love it, and my options are so limited, what do I do?

Hoping for advice from the Life Coach !

Stressed and Confused

Dear Stressed,

That is certainly a tough one, especially if you have already attempted to deal with the “powers that be” as a group of concerned parents and gotten no result.

A couple questions for you…is there a “higher” power that be that could be approached? Perhaps if a group of concerned parents could band together and go higher up, some result could be reached?

Particularly if this is an activity that parents are paying for, somebody somewhere must be concerned about the “bottom line” finances of the activity, and would be moved to do something if it seemed that they may be in a position to have that income stream compromised by unhappy “customers”.

Have you spoken to your children? Depending on their age, you may be able to explain what is happening, and you may find that they are willing to, and maybe even excited about, trying something new. This could allow you to remove the negative activity altogether.

If neither one of those options are viable for you, is there a way that a spouse, friend, or relative could help you by taking over the responsibility for this activity? Perhaps someone that is less emotionally connected at this point would be willing to “swap” a responsibility with you.

We all have things in our lives we don’t enjoy doing, and if we could swap those thing with someone else who doesn’t mind that job but would be happy to “dump” another one that they don’t like, we can potentially create a situation where both parties are happier.

Ultimately the decision comes down to a couple key questions…is the happiness of your children worth the emotional turmoil you are dealing with?

Would they be just as happy doing something else?

Do you potentially cause more damage long term by putting yourself in a situation where you are so unhappy and stressed that other areas of your life, and your children’s lives, are impacted negatively anyway?

And of course, you can always try reading the old classic How To Win Friends and Influence People and see if there are any tips in there that you have not yet tried!

Or, if all else fails, you can drown your sorrows with a Bailey’s Chocolate Cherry or two, my favorite of all Glenn’s recipes!

OK, not a serious suggestion, but I needed a spot to link back to this site for my SEO .

In all seriousness, not an easy situation. I hope these suggestions help, and I hope that some of our brilliant fans can add some advice from their own experiences for you as well!

So please comment below!!

Cheers, Life Coach Lynn!

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Parents Interfering, How To Cope!

Looking for advice, this question came in via our Drink Guy Face Book fan page!

Dear Lynn,

I have been dating my girlfriend for just over a year. We are at the same university, and met there. We live in different cities, and both have gone  home for the summer.

Being apart  is tough enough, but her Mother is making it worse. We talk every night, usually online, but her Mother thinks we talk too much and hassles her about it constantly.

I have met her family many times and I thought we got along well, I don’t understand why her Mom is making her feel so guilty about our love affair.

Do they hate me?

I need advice, please Help!

From Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

I can understand your frustration, a long distance relationship is tough. Adding in a parent that seems to be unsupportive does not help.

First off, I think it’s important that you realize that what is happening with your girlfriends Mom may have nothing to do with how she feels about you.

Her Mom is coping with a child in university, home for the summer. A mix of emotions I’m sure, happy to see her, worry about their time together ticking away, and stress over having another person back under her roof to look after!

So first and foremost, remember that parents are just people too, not perfect and dealing with their own set of life situations that impact their behaviors.

My first recommendation would be to “put yourself in Mom’s shoes” and try to figure out why she may be feeling this way.

Is she supporting your GF financially, and perhaps feeling that the time spent chatting online could be better spent working for the summer, or helping around the house?

Is she feeling the impending “empty nest” and wanting your GF to spend more time with her?

Whatever the reason, it helps to attempt to see things from both sides. However, ultimately your relationship with your GF and the amount of time that the two of you, as adults, choose to chat each day is up to you.

A fantastic book that I find to be so helpful in these situations is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life . I would highly recommend you both read it.

If this GF is someone that you could spend the rest of your life with, it will be important to establish positive relationship patterns right from the beginning. A positive pattern for dealing with outside interference between the two of you, and a positive pattern for dealing with extended family!

Hopefully some great fans will give you their thoughts too!

So Frustrated, let us know if this helps, and to the fans, let me know what you think, if this is a situation you have dealt with and if so, how you handled it!

Cheers…Lynn!

Glenn’s Two Cents

I will so get my ass kicked if I comment on this one.  Almost peed myself for what I was thinking..  Love Ya Lynn

The Drink Guy

Lynn’s Rebuttal

Hmmm…I’m afraid to ask

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